My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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