my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
