I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize