i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
