drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My liver just had a heart attack.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
