I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
