the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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