nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
