and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
