i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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