rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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