you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
