I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize