why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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