And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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