Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
