I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
