My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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