How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
