whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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