I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
