god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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