I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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