I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
