the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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