bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
