theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
