dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
