Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
