fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
