Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
