I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize