I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
