every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
