Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why do cheetos always look like penises
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
