now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
