just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
