you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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