ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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