Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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