Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
