You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
