Jerry, you need to find god
I just cut my nipple shaving
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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