I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
