i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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