We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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