Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
