She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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