he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
