I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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