so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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