If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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