im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
