nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize