Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Randomize