a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
