All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
