so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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