As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i came on her dog
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
