you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
