I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is Oprah even human
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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