I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
