he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
