I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
