She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
