can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
