It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize