You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
