your parents love me but you hate me
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
