All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
